(originally posted May 24, 2013)

Staying present has been an extremely difficult task for me, as I have this sense of impending doom hanging over my head. My fear of future consequences and regret over decisions of my past keep flooding through my thoughts. I have periods of optimism followed by periods of depression. I cannot seem to stabilize my emotions. I feel as though I am living on an emotional roller coaster.

Part of the difficulty of trying to stay in the present is that I am not happy with my current life condition. Don’t get me wrong, I have many blessings, and I do not want to sound ungrateful. I pray, I chant, I meditate, I write gratitude lists, I have been looking for random acts of kindness to do for others, but there is no sustainable serenity for me.

I am facing serious consequences in my life right now, and until my fate is sealed, whatever that may be, I cannot seem to shake this fear. How do I turn it over to God? How do I find faith so strong that it becomes unshakeable? How do I trust that whatever God’s plan for me will ultimately find me happy, joyous, and free?

I have had many many bad things happen in my life, and I do not look forward to what’s next. Am I paying a karmic debt? Is there a lesson to be learned in this? When will the struggle end and true serenity begin? I have spent the last 3 months and most of my life researching everything from Christianity to Buddhism to Kabbalah to Wicca to Spirit Guides to Native American Animal Totems and many other religions, spiritualities, and philosophies in between. I am a jack of all faiths and a master of none. I believe in the totality of God, that God is everywhere, in people, places, things, situations, and ideas, and to limit God to any one religion is to diminish God, for God, to me is much bigger than that; unexplainable, indescribable. There are times when I feel that God has spoken to me through people, places, things, and situations, times when I feel what must be God’s presence, but the feeling is fleeting, I do not know how to sustain it, and there are too many paths to God to follow.